Blogging

iPhone’t Do That Again!

While getting gouged at the gas pump during last Thursday’s torrential rains, I noticed an SUV stranded underneath the bridge of the railroad tracks. It seems every railroad trestle in the area overlooks a makeshift pond during heavy rains, but the (crappy) picture I took with my iPhone shows this was no ordinary storm.

Normally I’d be the one tempting fate to see if I could plow through the water in a game of engine roulette, but I just happened stop off to get gas just before the bridge. The cars driving underneath the bridge looked more like amphibious landing craft at Normandy as they floated the last ten or fifteen feet until their tires hit pavement again. As I pondered taking out a second mortgage to pay for topping off my gas tank, I noticed one car struggling to move forward. The rain was coming down in sheets, and the waters were rising quickly. Hoping to remain dry, I silently willed the car across, but it was as if someone had put a matchbox car in an aquariu

I tried to take a picture, thinking maybe the Stratford Star could use it as a tweet, but it was raining so hard I feared frying it. I put it in my pocket to keep it dry. When it became clear the car wasn’t moving and the cavalry wasn’t coming, I sloshed into the pond and made my way over to the car. Before I knew it I was up to my hips in water—if you’ve ever considered jumping into a river created by a flash flood, don’t. It’s exactly the same as jumping into a half-full trash can at the beach and filling the rest with bilge water… only much, much colder and faster.

I got the driver’s attention and she rolled down her window—she was eight months pregnant and didn’t know what to do. She said she’d just called the fire department, which I thought was a wise thing to do. Knowing I have karmic debts to pay, I had her turn off the car and put it in neutral so I could push her out. This is not a wise thing to do. Eventually someone else came in to help and we managed to get her clear just as the fire trucks arrived. In other words, if I had done the smart thing (who knows what electrical wires could fall in the water and fry me like bacon… or an iPhone) and waited for them to help, I wouldn’t have waded into toxic water with my wallet and iPhone in my pocket. I wouldn’t have had to bury my phone in a bowl of rice in a desperate attempt to keep it from burning out, and it wouldn’t smell like a chocolate cigarette even a week later.

Continue ReadingiPhone’t Do That Again!

Monday Morning Raptureback

Say what you will about his failed Doomsday predictions, Harold Camping makes for fascinating theatre. As I wrote in my column just before Judgment Day (http://www.stratfordstar.com/opinion/my-voice/walshs-wonderings/69116-sign-of-the-end-times.html), Harold has a very healthy belief in himself—track record be damned. He’s even managed to kick it up a notch since emerging from his hobbit hole, declaring that he was right all along—lack of Rapture be damned. Turns out we’re still on for the End of Times on October 21, 2011—especially the damned.

Asked for a comment by the International Business Times on May 21 after (surprise) he was still eartbound, Camping opened his door in a Members Only jacket (he has to be the sole surviving member at this point) and asked “Just give me a day. This is a big deal, and I gotta live with… I gotta think it out.”

Addressing the media from his studios on May 23, Camping said, “If people want me to apologize I can apologize (Author’s Note: that’s not an apology). Yes, I did not have all of that worked out as accurately as I should have, or wished I could have, but that doesn’t bother me at all because I’m not a genius.”

Not a genius? Hush your mouth! You just managed to fake an apology while deploying the “I’m only human” defense for taking on the superhuman task of being God’s public relations rep. Even better, he went on to say that he really wasn’t wrong at all. He said the Rapture was to be understood spiritually, not physically. “The sense of it is still the same, that Judgment has come, that we are now under judgment where it was not prior to May 21st. Spiritually there’s a big difference in the world that we can’t detect with our eyes.”

In other words, the election results aren’t in, but all the precincts are closed. We’re just waiting for the final tally. Want proof? Well, you can’t see it with your eyes, silly, so… no. No proof for you. Instead, his Family Radio empire touts his new slogan, “We are almost there.” It reminds me of my dad as he packed my family in the station wagon for a 12-hour trek to Ohio. We’d whine, “Are we almost there, yet?” and he’d answer, “Yes.” Then we’d be in the car another four hours.

We’re in for a long ride, folks, and Harold is just ramping up. On May 3, 2009, Harold addressed a packed gym of about, oh, 24 people about Judgment Day. He spoke of carcasses being thrown into the streets and desecrated because they are under the wrath of God—who knew how excited folks would be to finally get to desecrate bodies?

Some of you might be wondering, “Why us? Why now?” First of all, quit your whining—we’re almost there. Secondly, we are being punished more than the folks from the previous 13,000 years because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sorry.

These are the drawbacks of being a one-man show: lone rangers have a higher probability of failure. In fact, Family Radio employee Matt Tuter told the Christian Post that Camping has actually predicted the world’s end at least ten times. Most of those predictions weren’t made public, and Tuter has pushed some would-be donors not to contribute.

Don’t worry, though, because it looks like everything is back to normal. The Family Radio website that had hosted a giant countdown to the Rapture (along with several “proofs” of our impending judgment) has been restored to its former glory. In other words, the donation button is in working order. That’s important, because Family Radio spent $100,000,000 on the billboard campaign for May 21 alone. There’s not a lot of time left to rebuild that war chest for the final ads in October. God doesn’t want us wasting our money on the needy at this juncture, and I don’t think it would “count” anyway. The polls are already closed, remember?

Now Harold can move on to the business at hand: scaring the crap out of people based on numbers he’s derived through a fantasy reading of Scripture and a pair of old Yahtzee dice. He still needs to figure out what time zone God uses, for instance. Oh, and he needs a better motel to hide in with his wife next time come October 22nd.

Regardless, all of this just further proves my long-held theory: never trust an old man with long fingernails.

 

Continue ReadingMonday Morning Raptureback

“That’s Clearly Over The Line”

It’s an amazing era to be alive, mostly because You Tube has archived our most embarrassing moments in perpetuity. This morning I was forwarded a video of my childhood nemesis, Lawrence Welk, the man my parents chose to watch instead of “The Six Million Dollar Man” on our only TV. Welk’s wholesome blend of gospel, orchestral, and country music was inflicted on America for more than twenty-seven years before it was perpetrated again on that generation’s offspring in the form of endless syndication on PBS. The purity of The Lawrence Welk Show made Ed Sullivan look like Timothy Leary, yet clearly one of his producers let one slip past the goalie in this particular episode broadcast in early 1971. The duo of Gail Farrell and Dick Dale performed “One Toke Over The Line” as a gospel/country number… and with straight faces!

To appreciate the irony, it’s important to note that Brewer & Shipley’s song (and only hit) had just been banned by the FCC. The Vice President of the United States at the time, Spiro Agnew, had just named them personally as dangerous and subversive to American youth. On April 15, 1971, Rolling Stone magazine wrote that the song, “began a steady cruise up the charts – until the FCC issued it’s ‘reminder’ to broadcasters to know the meaning of songs that ‘tend to glorify or promote the use of illegal drugs such as marijuana, LSD, speed, etc.’ Now, at least half a dozen Top 40 stations have dropped the single.”

Explaining the meaning behind his lyrics, Michael Brewer  said, “One day we were pretty much stoned and all and Tom says, Man, I’m one toke over the line tonight.   I liked the way that sounded and so I wrote a song around it.” In fact, Shipley often introduced the song in concert as “our cannabis spiritual.”

How fitting, then, that Lawrence Welk looked on approvingly at the end of the song and said, “And there you heard a modern spiritual by Gail & Dale.”

There is something deliciously appropriate in seeing those who hold themselves up as paragons of virtue unwittingly switching sides for a moment. In a state of religious fervor, one of Welk’s producers must have heard the words “sweet Jesus” and “sweet Mary” and completely missed that Mary was actually Mary Jane. A song referencing pre-marital sex and smoking pot, sung by a woman dressed as a cowgirl as she bounces on the lap of a grown man? That is really “over the line.”

Continue Reading“That’s Clearly Over The Line”

The Cost of Closing Our Eyes

(Originally posted in the Stratford Star newspaper on January 13, 2011, in “Walsh’s Wonderings”)

We have failed.

If we don’t acknowledge our failure, if we choose to ignore reality and maintain the low standards we currently encourage, then we are complicit in the violence and bigotry in which we sometimes find ourselves surrounded.

As I write this, U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords remains in critical condition after a gunman shot her in the head at a political event in Tucson, Arizona. The gunman, 22-year-old Jared Lee Loughner, went on to kill six people and wound 14 others. Christina Taylor Greene, a nine-year-old killed in the shooting, had just been elected to the student council at her elementary school. This hit me particularly hard as I am a middle school English teacher, a part of a group of educators charged with molding the minds of tomorrow’s leaders. We are part of a pact that includes not only the students and their parents, but also every adult in their community.

It is our failure, one of many, that has deprived Christina and many more like her the opportunity to grow up and help us in spite of ourselves. Democrats are to blame. As are Republicans, Libertarians, Tea Party activists, and every other political party that has muddied the waters for short term gains at the cost of long term viability. Even as Representative Giffords fights for her life, factions are lining up on both sides of the political fence to use the tragedy to further their political agendas.

In an age where even our elected leaders act like children, why can’t we see the effect this has on our youth? Would you tell a child like Christina to draw gun targets over the heads of classmates to indicate those on the student council with whom she disagrees, or would you have her talk it out with them to avoid needless fights in the future? Would you teach her to shout down her opponents during council debate, or would you teach her to use the allotted time to discuss her points in healthy discussion in the hope that a mutually agreeable compromise might be met?  Would you teach her to divide her world into people who agree with her and those who do not, or would you teach her to appreciate the diversity of opinion that has made this country great?

Sadly, it’s too easy to answer these questions by pointing out how our society has lowered the bar. We’ve answered these questions with television ratings for Keith Olbermann or Glen Beck at the cost of shows that actually present unbiased views. We’ve answered them with Lady Gaga and Eminem over musicians whose purpose is to help us better understand the human condition. We’ve answered them with books deals for Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Justin Bieber and reality televisions shows for Paris Hilton and Flavor Flav.

No, there is something far more dangerous afoot. While the shooting was as senseless as the rhetoric that preceded it, we’ve chosen to ignore that, regardless of which side of the political fence it comes, this violent rhetoric affects the unformed and unbalanced more deeply than those in full possession of their faculties. To dismiss the individuals behind these attacks as “whackos” allows those who incite them in the first place to distance themselves from their part in creating the environment that allowed for their existence. Even as liberal talk show host Keith Olbermann apologized for any past comments he used that might have incited violence, he laced into his conservative peers like Beck and Bill O’Reilly and demanded they do the same. Conservative commentator George Will said that while the short term effects of this tragedy might resort in hands reaching across the aisle during the upcoming congressional debates, this temporary mood it will fade quickly as the emotions of the upcoming legislation comes to a vote. In other words, like New Year’s resolutions, the intent to improve is unlikely to survive the month of January.

Our failure is that while we all agree on the importance of basic civility when raising our children, we choose to ignore it in the course of our political discourse. The “whackos” seemed to have learned to “listen” to what we do, not what we say. The unformed minds that we are currently developing are not oblivious to the choices their parents are making. Whether we’re talking about the Board of Education’s decision to deny the expulsion for a student accused of sexual assault, the Town Council’s decision to raise the mill rate, or the controversy over the recent plea bargain in the memo leak case regarding Christian Miron, the way in which we choose to express our views not only defines us but serves as the model for our children to follow.

In light of our failure to live up to our own ideals, the surprising part of this most recent shooting is not that it happened, but that it hasn’t happened more often. As a teacher, I constantly refer to the hidden gifts of failure; properly addressed, it is an impetus to change for the better. For Christina’s sake, I hope we all open our eyes and become better students.

Continue ReadingThe Cost of Closing Our Eyes